


Interference

by EldritchSandwich



Series: DC United [5]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Comedy of Errors, Fluffy Sandwich, Gen, Villains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:22:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29916147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EldritchSandwich/pseuds/EldritchSandwich
Summary: Batman would really like to deal with just one villain at a time.
Series: DC United [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964518
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Interference

Batman rolled across the warehouse floor, dodging the lashing tendrils of Poison Ivy's latest hybrid monster plant; this one she seemed to be wearing as some sort of potted-plant backpack, which was at least keeping things fresh. His eyes were watering just from having them close to his face: capsaicin, probably. He didn't even want to think about how much it would hurt if the thorns managed to break the skin.

He tossed off a batarang as he rolled to his feet, severing one of the shorter vines and making Ivy shriek as if she felt the wound herself...which, knowing her, she probably did.

"Give it up, Ivy! You and the Joker are finished!"

Ivy scowled, then blinked. Then she blinked again, and the vines paused. "Wait. You think I'm working with Joker?"

"I came here to break up his chemical smuggling operation, and you're right on top of it."

"So? That doesn't mean I'm working with him!" She crossed her arms petulantly. Batman couldn't help noticing that a couple of the vines twisted together in imitation. "You honestly think I'd ever willingly work with that creep?"

"Then why are you here?"

"Because Harley's in Arkham." Batman would never have lowered himself to looking confused—not that anyone would have been able to tell with the mask—but he did blink. Ivy sighed. "Which means I can screw with the Joker's plans as much as I want without her making those...puppy dog eyes at me?"

"You're...here to stop him."

Ivy huffed. "Don't make it sound so heroic. You're here to stop him. I'm here to piss him off and cost him money."

Batman frowned and held her gaze. Ivy didn't look away. "So what happens now?"

"Now? Now I think the two of you better put both hands behind your heads." Batman and Ivy both turned to find a suited, half-scarred figure standing in the shattered remains of the warehouse doorway, twin pistols pointed in their direction. "You got two seconds."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "Oh, Jesus, Harvey. Laying it on a bit thick, aren't we?"

Two-Face managed to shrug without moving his guns. "Look, my brand is what it is, all right?"

Batman scowled. "You and the Joker can workshop some new material in prison."

Two-Face scowled right back. "What? You think I'm working with that psycho scumbag? Hell no, I'm here to put him and his whole operation two feet under!"

Batman and Ivy shared a skeptical glance. "Really?"

"Of course! The docks are mine, he's trying to muscle in on my territory. I'm not gonna let that stand!" He turned his right-hand pistol away from Batman. "Hell, I'll put his little flower girl on the compost pile in the bargain! A two-for-one deal!"

Ivy rolled her head back with a groan. "Oh for the last time, I am not working with the Joker!" She let out a sigh. "You know what? Forget it. You two boys can fight all you want, I'm getting out of here."

"Au contraire, my evergreen enchantress, no one's going anywhere!" The three of them turned toward the far wall of the warehouse, where the Penguin was carefully working his squat body from the window to the floor with the help of the two goons in tuxedo t-shirts flanking him. "Well, well, it appears as if this quiet tete-a-tete has turned into a full-blown dinner party. Luckily, I came prepared!"

As the Penguin raised his umbrella and the goons raised their sub-machine guns, Batman flicked free another batarang and pulled back his arm, only to pause when a raspy voice boomed out over them. "Prepared? I think not, my squat friend!" The assembled crowd looked up to the railing above the warehouse floor, where a burlap-masked face appeared from out of the shadows. "No one can be prepared for the mind-bending machinations of the Scarecrow!"

"Mind-bending? Oh, that's cute." The assembled crowd, this time including the Scarecrow, turned toward the door to the warehouse office, now filled by a swaggering figure in a green suit, twirling his cane. "There's only one mind-bender here, I'm afraid, and fortunately for you intellectual inferiors, it doesn't take a genius to figure out who it is."

"Ugh, listen to this guy," Two-Face griped, casually gesturing toward the Riddler with one pistol. "And you think my act's getting old?"

"Okay, you know what..."

"Hey, I wasn't finished with my speech! I had a whole bit about—"

"I really don't need to be here for this, do I?"

"I have no intention of—"

"Hey! Bird-breath! I'm talking here!"

"Would you all kindly just—"

"HEY!" The rest of the warehouse went silent, and one by one they turned to Batman. They'd all fought him dozens of times, faced down his cold fury as he ripped their plans to shreds. But he'd never actually sounded genuinely pissed off until this very moment. Batman took a deep breath; when he let it out, it wasn't quite a sigh. "Just so we're clear. Is anyone here...actually working with the Joker?"

The Penguin huffed. "Surely you jest! No, I'm merely here because this operation of his presents the perfect target to recoup the significant sum out of which he cheated me at our last poker game, the craven card-counter."

"And he's always hogging the remote in the Arkham dayroom!" the Scarecrow yelled. When the rest turned to him, he cleared his throat. "Or something...about...money or crime for me too."

Batman turned toward the Riddler, who winced. "Er...actually, I am working with the Joker. Although...since you're not currently being ambushed by a dozen heavily-armed thugs like we planned, I'm starting to suspect he was going to double cross me. So...I'm just going to...call it an early night..."

As the Riddler sidled toward the door, Batman took another deep breath. "All of you, just...go home."

"But I still—"

"Go. Home."

One by one, Gotham's greatest villains turned and awkwardly shuffled out of the warehouse. As they did, Batman turned to head toward the office, toward the elevator shaft that would lead him to the Joker's secret underground chemical silos, shaking his head as he went.

Next time he'd just let them all fight each other.


End file.
